Inspired and confused

I’m writing this almost as a cry for help. I feel like I’m back at square one.

My dream isn’t to have my own business. My dream is to make music and really sweet videos. I would also like to make documentaries.

Music and film making have been constants in my life. This business and web thing is kind of new and has developed as I’ve been desperate to monetize my talents. And while it’s been fun, I’m exhausted. I’ve made some things I’m proud of, but I only feel somewhat satisfied. I feel like I have so much more to give and all my creative energy is going into projects I’m only somewhat invested in. I’m turning 25 next month and feel like I’m wasting my time. I feel like this isn’t working anymore…but I also don’t feel like i have options. My student loan debt is totally crippling and I’ve had a hard time finding work in my field in Upstate, NY. I also feel like I’m stuck here until God says I can leave, so leaving isn’t really an option either. I have freedom to work from anywhere but no money to get anywhere else. I wear my pajamas to work half the time but sometimes don’t have social contact for days. My health is crippling. My spiritual life is dim. I feel trapped. I have no idea how to get to a place where I can make money but actually do what I love. SO yeah…square one. I’m thinking about just working at a restaurant or something while I figure this out. I just feel like if I keep spending my creative energy on this stuff and doing what I’m doing, I’m going to run into a wall.

If you have any ideas on steps I can take to move forward, please share.


3 thoughts on “Inspired and confused

  1. Ashley Bee says:

    The Onion recently had an article that said “Find What You Love… and Do It Nights and Weekends” or something. Sadly for us liberal arts quarter-lifers, that’s true. We don’t necessarily have the luxury, unless we were born into money, to just do what we love because we love it. I envy all our peers in NYC and LA who seem to be achieving their dreams because they either are still supported by parents, had no loans to take out because of family money/parents offering to pay for all or most of the loans, or just sheer luck. And I guess the random few who ARE as talented and got there with hard work and found the magical equilibrium to make it work while paying loans and I WISH THEY’D TELL US HOW UGH—I get cynical, a lot. But my blog has become my way of sourcing that creative energy I’m just NOT using, and trying to mold it into something I CAN use. My community theater endeavors have been a way to perform, which was another thing my life was solely lacking, and I accepted that this is probably all the acting I’ll do–unpaid.

    My advice is to get a job that doesn’t mean much to you, maybe pull back from your home business for a bit. Get in with a temp agency, do some mindless work at a company where at least you’ll get some social interaction. If you can find a good restaurant, by all means wait tables, but your ideal times for music and film are probably going to be nights and weekends, and that’s when you’d earn optimal tips… so maybe stick to trying to find a 9-to-5 type deal, even if it’s not necessarily in your chosen field.

    Take your nights and weekends and find a community theater doing musicals, or seek out groups that need a singer. Find open mic nights in your area. Get in the performing circle, but know you’ll just be an observer for a while. Like any job seeker, make connections. Attend events. Talk to people. I’m part of a few actor/performer Facebook groups for western Massachusetts, see if these exist for your area.

    I hear this God guy works in mysterious ways–I wouldn’t necessarily stay where you are just because you think God says so. Maybe the lack of opportunities where you are is Him nudging you elsewhere? Me and the big guy haven’t had a chat in years, so I have no idea how he plays these days though. But definitely thoroughly examine opportunities before ruling it out.

    Just know it’ll be okay, and you will find your calling. Do what you love, KEEP doing it, make connections, and let it all happen in its own time. 25 is nothing. You have your whole life.

  2. Thanks girl, that’s definitely good advice. It really is hard to not be cynical, or have some sort of “THE RICH GET RICHER” victim mentality. I’m already in a band, but I hadn’t thought about temping at a mindless 9-5 as best music/filming hours are on nights and weekends. Such a good point! I’m def going to see what’s around. Your blog is totally sweet btw and I’m really stoked for this book of yours!

    • Ashley Bee says:

      I STILL have the “rich get richer” mentality and I’m trying my best to not harp on it too much, regardless of how true it seems. I feel like the college we went to had a lot of kids who came from money, and it makes sense that they’d have it easier than we do right now. Doesn’t mean they’re any more qualified to be living their dreams, just means we need to work a little harder.

      You have such a bright and fun personality and you’re obviously extremely talented. Just keep chugging along, great things will happen!

      Haha I’m really stoked for the book too!–I guess that puts me in the “sheer luck” category? heh–Scared crapless about having to write the thing now, but as with any new challenge I know I just have to dive in head-first 🙂 The fear is exciting! Thank you for the support!

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